Sarcasta.net - Cat Scan Reveals Large, Benign, Lumpy Mass

NEW! 8-13-06

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Cat Scan Reveals Large, Benign, Lumpy Mass

In a medical procedure known as a cat-scan, large masses can be identified, leading to better understanding of medical imagery. This mass, weighing in at almost 16 pounds, was identified as a relatively harmless, benign growth. However, irritation to the owner [Patient X] occurs quite frequently - usually manifesting symptoms at night. Such symptoms can result in a loss of sleep, sharp pains from the hooks at the end of each tendril (see Fig.1), or random bruising from the weight of the mass as it rests on various organs of the body.

Treatment to reduce the size and movement of the mass (see Fig.3), has apparently had little or no effect. A modified diet has, in fact, only led to the increase of bothersome symptoms. Eventual intervention and physical extraction of the mass may, in time, become necessary if the patient loses much more mobility or the will to leave home for extended periods of time. "[the mass] takes up a lot of my free time," Patient X lamented. "I wish I could go on long trips, but with all the attention [the mass] requires, I can barely get away for a weekend here and there."

Fig.1 - The benign mass (outlined here in yellow) has at least five tendrils angling out away from the main body.

Fig.2 - The lumpy mass has shown to be quite mobile. In this scan from a slightly different angle, the tendrils (outlined in yellow) have changed position significantly from the last scan.

Although the presence of such a large mass worries doctors involved in the case, the patient has claimed to have an empathic connection with the mass. "I wouldn't know what I'd do without it... I'd feel so alone," Patient X commented.

Such feelings are perfectly normal, say doctors. However, a medical practitioner involved with Patient X's case warns, "the patient must not let the [benign mass] run his or her life. Though these types of things seem to be more prevalent in females, men have just as much chance of developing a benign mass such as this. I told [Patient X] that if left unchecked, the growth of the mass could lead to arthritic joints, respiratory trouble, and possibly diabetes."

Fig.3 - Lateral movement is documented in the mass. Extreme movement can cause feelings of axiety for the patient, sometimes leading to feelings of agitation and fear for the safety of nearby fragile possessions.

At last report, Patient X was doing well. She has decided to rule out surgical intervention, for now. "I guess you just have to learn to live with the little problems, and get on with your life," she said. "I never thought symptoms like hairballs or fear of water would ever affect me, but you get used to it after a while."

Fig.4 - Shown here in the most commonly found position, the large mass appears to be resting in a stretched-out, flaccid state.

A very old joke:
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab test."